Speakin` my mind,

Happy at last.

So, for the past two days I have been struggling on whether or not to break up with him or not. Actually I have been thinking about it sometime during winter break, but it was just a thought in my head. I started to really think about it like days before we had to go back to school. I asked for some advice from Marielle and Valerie, and apparently, they both had the same concept, but still different in a way. Valerie convinced me to do it, so on Sunday, I couldn’t sleep until 3 in the morning…I was just lying in my bed, thinking. I was pretty scared and nervous tho. I only got 3 hours of sleeep. I had butterflies in my stomach as time got closer to “break up time” He didn’t have any idea that I have been thinking about that. So when we were in Spanish class, we had to sit on the floor and he ran and sat next to me, and we said hi and stuff. He was all happy, not knowing what I was planning on doing afterschool. Mrs. Knecht let us play Duck, Duck, Goose for like 5 or 10 minutes of the period, but we had to play in Spanish tho. Haha, it was all Courtney’s idea. That was off topic, but anyway…next class was P.E. He played basketball while I talked with Linette, Aki, and Valerie about my situation. Valerie already knew about everything, so it was time to tell Aki and Linette. Jeramy kept on looking over where we were…I was hoping that he wouldn’t hear what we were talking about, but Valerie and Aki talk tooo freakinnnn loud! But I doubt he heard them. So then, I think he started to realize that something was up when I started ignoring him…and looking like something was wrong. I started to notice that he could tell something was wrong. When P.E. ended, I wanted to get to Bio as quick as I can…I didn’t even bother waiting for him to walk to class with me, so I kind of ran. In Bio, when he came in the room, he looked pretty sad or mad… or both. But when class ended, he didn’t even bother waiting for me to walk to Choir. He was one of the first people to get out of class…I knew I shouldn’t have ignored him. He seemed pretty sad…ugh. Anyway, in Choir, he still seemed sad. Aki told me that she saw Jeramy, Doug, and someone else (i forgot who it was), at the lockers…and then she heard Jeramy say…”cmon guys, let’s go…” in a sad, low, quiet voice looking down at the ground. And at lunchtime, he wasn’t at his locker like he always is…I saw him walking away with Domingo…looking all sad. We didn’t hang out together at lunch. I just ate with Aki and Valerie in the cafeteria…then when lunch was over at 12:30, I checked my phone and saw that Jeramy texted me saying, “Where are you?” But I didn’t reply because we had to go to 6th period and I didn’t have the same class as him so it wasn’t necessary to text him where I was since it was obvious. When English II was over, he usually walks with me to our lockers and then to Geo, then he goes back to English II after he drops me off at Geo. I wanted to see if he would, but I didn’t want to look stupid to just stand there and wait for him, because if he was mad at me then that would make me look stupid. So I started walking to go to my locker….and then I look from the corner of my eye to see if he was there, and he was, then he ran to catch up to me. He asked me if I was mad at him, and I said no. That was the truth tho, I wasn’t mad at him, I was just scared about what I was going to do afterschool. When we were at the lockers, he kept on asking me why I’ve been acting like that, but I didn’t want to tell him the real reason why, so I told him I wanna talk to him afterschool, and he said okay, not even thinking that it could be about something bad. So he walked me to Geo and stopped me from going inside. But I just shoved him away and went around him, he just thought I did that to play around, and I kind of did, and kind of didn’t…I don’t know why, but I felt kind of mad for some reason. Don’t blame me… then Valerie was all asking me what happened…I’m always the last one to get to class, but I’m not late tho. Anyway, next was World History, I was gonna see if he would sit in his usual spot next to me since he gets there before me. And yes, he was…he was there, he told me to sit in the seat in front of him, but I just sat in the usual spot, next to him. Then he kept on going all up in my face and asking me if I was mad, because I looked mad. But I said no…and I wasn’t mad tho. Just still worried. Anyway, after History, we went to go get our book in our locker, and I got mine first, but I ended up not really waiting for him, just walking slowly, but I looked back at him to see if he was coming already, and he was kind of there, but I could tell he saw that I didn’t wait for him…so I slowed down to make it seem like I did, but the I ran up the stairs to Religion II. After Religion class, school was out. He was at his locker and then he waited for me finish putting my stuff in my locker. Then Valerie wanted to talk to me before I talked to him. He looked kind of sad tho, when I was looking at him while talking to Valerie. But anyway, after that I went and talked to him. He had no idea what I was going to say…but he started out by saying, “So why were you acting all mad today?” And I told him I don’t know…I just was. I really couldn’t break up with him then and there. WHILE AKI AND VALERIE WERE WATCHING FROM A FAR DISTANCE. So nosy man. Then Linette came walking towards them. And then all of a sudden, Valerie says out loud, “I’m so happy for you Linette! You broke up with Victor! Now you can be single like us again!” And in my head I was like, wow Valerie, you just had to say that outloud didn’t you…Jeramy heard her…and looked at me. I think he kind of knew what I was going to do…his face suddenly became sad…and he said, “Is that what you’re trying to do to me right now?” And I said, “well….” And he was like….”WHY CARISSA WHY? What did I do?” And I told him that Aki, Valerie, Linette, and Marielle said I should. He really didn’t want me to break up with him. And so we talked and I kind of said yes, in a way…but I didn’t say it officially…but he walked away to the gym before I could say anything else…Linette and Aki came up to me after he walked away. Linette told me that when he passed by he looked at her and his face was red and it looked like he was about to cry, but he held it in. So I told them about what was going on…and I started to cry. Then I saw TJ walk out of the gym and he just looked at where we were, and I saw him. Then he went back in the gym, I was thinking that Jeramy told him. But then like a minute later, Jeramy came running to us from the gym, but I didn’t see him coming, he just popped outta nowhere, and asked me, “Were you lying? Or are you really going to do it?” And so finally Aki and Linette had to leave, and it was just me and him, talking, for a while. So we talked…and then as minutes passed, I told him he was going to be late for practice and that I had to take the CalTrain. But he told me that he would rather talk to me than go to practice. He wouldn’t be able to go to practice with this on his mind. So we talked a little more, and decided that we were gonna talk the next day during lunch. Man, but we were talking so loud tho, when people passed by they kept looking at us. Haha. After that, he walked to the gym and I started walking to the bathrooom, because I felt like I was going to cry. And he looked back at me and saw that I was going to the bathroom cause it looked like I was about to cry, so even tho he was already at the doors of the gym, he ran towards me and didn’t let me go to the bathroom and told me not to cry. Then I told him I won’t then. So then he let me go, and he went to the gym to go to practice, even tho he was kind of late. So then I went to the train after that and went home. At home, we texted about the situation for a long time, and I told him that I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it or not…. But we still said we wanted to talk during lunch time. We didn’t end the conversation so well tho. So it was the next day, which is today. When I got to school, we were late. They were already in Spanish, when I walked in the door, with Toria, Jeramy looked at me, and his face looked so sad. Dawn and Kaitlyn were sitting in my seat, since we just had to do worksheets of word searches in Spanish. The closest empty seat was right there, in front of Jeramy. How weird…anyway, everyone was quietly doing their work tho. When class was over, he was the first one out of the room, since he’s right there next to the door. Next we had P.E. Nothing much happened during that time. But after that, when it was time to go to Bio, he waited for me, because he wanted to walk with me. And so we did and we started talking about lunchtime and about the situation again. Then after that, on my way to Royalairs, we walked together again, but he had study hall instead. Next was lunch time. He wasn’t there waiting at the lockers…I was wondering where he was, so I just got my lunch in my locker, and then suddenly he pops outta no where behind me. And so we started talking about it…but Aki and Valerie spied on us for like a minute…then left, but then Daniel F, kept on coming up to us and just stood there trying to start a conversation, while me and Jeramy were talking… so then Domingo looked at us, smiled, and started walking to where we were, and put his arm around Daniel’s shoulder and started talking with him and walked him away to the Living Skills room. Haha, it was funny tho. And then Domingo came out of the room laughing…and then me and Jeramy laughed. Thank Domingo for that, lol. So we talked for a long time. And I kept on hesitating, I told him that I kind of do want to and I kind of don’t. When Domingo passed by again, he asked Domingo if I should break up with him, and Domingo was all like…no! And then he asked TJ, but he looked…confused, probably because he was busy talking to Gretchen, lol…so said I don’t know. Guess what I ended up doing… I ended up not breaking up with him. I felt that Valerie and Aki were forcing me to. Anyway, the rest of the day went well. After school, we had a bball game. JV girls first, SV girls, then SV boys. Jeramy watched our game. Then I sat with him for the next two games. We talked alot, it was pretty fun actually. I missed times like that, since we didn’t get to hang out during winter break. During the SV girls game, me and Jeramy went over to the table to do the shot clock. We held hands, even tho he had to manage the shot clock, and he let me press the buttons sometimes. We talked about random stuff, like how there was a lesbian girl on the other team that looked like a man, hahaha, pretty funny. And during the guys game, there was this guy that got hit in the balls, and he was making faces….man, that sucks for guys when they get hit there. And then during the game, he had a wedgie, then I said he’s probably wearing a thong cause he had a wedgie and a thong couldn’t protect his balls from getting hurt that bad! Jeramy and I had a chill time.. and Amanda and Steven were at the table too. We just talked about random, funny stuff. I miss being able to just talk and hang around with him. I guess being away from his for a long time, made me think about stuff like possibly breaking up with him. I can’t believe I thought that… but anyway, hopefully, I’ll be happy from now on. I don’t want to be unhappy… but still, I have friends to make me happy too! I love my friends, especially the ones who make me laugh.. haha, cause I love to laugh, and smile! :D THIS WAS A LONG POST! Haha, sorry everyone, I just couldn’t stop typing away!

He's never gonna give up is he...

jessikuuh:

why do you always have to get into fights ? Your school needs to chill . Just for doing something to this guy’s girlfriend . ( not what your thinking )  . DAMN , He needs to cool it , cause fighting is just not gonna make it better . ;/ It was a FREAKING accident .. It’s not like he did it on purpose . 

It couldve happened then and there...

but I kept on stalling. Now, we’re gonna talk at lunchtime tomorrow. For sure.

I'm glad I have friends like Marielle & Valerie

Without them, I don’t know what I would do in a situation like this. Tomorrow is gonna be a difficult day. They helped me so much! Aw, I love them!

Thank you so much..

My aim away message said, “ugh, just not in the mood -__-” I wasn’t expecting anyone to IM me, but surprisingly someone did. It was Marielle, my besterest. ILY BESTEREST! I was hoping I could talk to someone about it instead of putting it on blast all up on here, like always. She actually really helped me. I felt as if she was a counselor. Ha, really. I talked to her about why I wasn’t in the mood, why I was pissed off, and what’s been bugging me lately. It’s like she knew what to say for everything I told her, from experience. Well, we talked about how I think I’ve made a HUGE mistake and how I’m stuck with these problems stressing me out. I’m trapped in a circle of stress, with no way out. Anyway, when I read MIKO’s post, “If the person you love makes you more sad, than happy… Tell me, is it really worth it?” Thank you! That just opened my eyes, and made me realize the truth. I now know what I must do, but I just have to be patient. Take my time, and just wait.

a new year , a new change .

jessikuuh:

it’s 2010.. i wanna get rid of all of my bad traits and replace them with new ones . 

BAD TRAITS OF 2009:

Procrastinating. 

Started saying more bad words ;/

Got addicted to the computer.. 

Grades D R O P P E D . 

Stop acting like a bitch to certain people.

Stop saying “FML” or ” i hate my life” etc..

now for the replacements.. 

2010:

Do all of my homework/projects/essays etc. asap .

Cut 20% of my bad language..

Hop off the computer . 

Keep my grades up. 

TRY to act nice around everyone.

Be thankful for my life always . 

2009 was the past , and 2010 is a clean slate . I don’t want to dirty it with all of my mistakes from the past by just repeating them over again. I want to change these ways of mine. I’m not gonna be a different person , my ways are just gonna be different. Changing your ways just to impress is fake. I’m not trying to impress anyone , I just wanna be satisfied with myself. I’ve been through many mistakes in 2009, I was immature , selfish, short-tempered, and emotional. I let the people who judged me, get inside my head..  I got into trouble , relationships , and drama.. I’ve learned whose there for me and who was fake . I’ve built major trust with some people and I’ve broke trust with people . 2010 is a clean slate , and I wanna use it as an opportunity to open new chapters in my life and end chapters. 

If the person who you love makes you more sad, than happy..

mik0:

Tell me, is it really worth it?

I wish all of this was over, please.